Wednesday, 6 April 2011


Following Steve Jobs’ announcement of Apple's new iPad 2 I thought it appropriate to preprint this announcement by ParaDigm CyberResearch of its own, vastly superior, product offering.

ParaDigm CyberResearch is proud to announce …

From the 1st March 2014, discerning users of PolyFunctional Digital Devices will be able to purchase, via reputable purveyors of electrical merchandise throughout the Empire, ParaDigm CyberResearch’s utterly new and peerless Bulldog 47 Polly.

Without doubt the Bulldog 47 is the swiftest and most convenient Polly ever to be made available to the general public, being built to a most generous specification.

Within a sturdy and most pleasing brass case is contained a circular CRT Flexi-Plexi with an embedded Feely-Screeny matrix, this permitting users to enjoy all the facilities of the Bulldog 47 even in the brightest sunlight. The utilisation of an eyeSoar Mark 47 operating system with multiple de-lux enhancements allows full and crackle-free use of the Bulldog 47’s eyeMail, eyeVid and eyeSpeak capabilities, these most speedily and promptly provided by the employment of a 10 Ghz Empire-class Aye-5 bespoke-designed, refined-performance, replete-power, system-on-a-mote. As all our customers have come to expect, connectivity is provided by ParaDigm’s very own ‘Wi-Not’ custom wireless telemetry. Ample on-board warehousing of data is achieved via a Dreadnaught-class C-wide storage unit. Last but by no means least much thought has been given to the controls of the Bulldog 47: input is achieved through the use of posterior-mounted split-Qwe/rty keyboard which enables eight-digit manipulation for speedier typing whilst twin thumb controls ensure prompt and accurate scrolling.

The Bulldog 47: the best of British
Price: £14 19s 11d (including purchase tax)

So you see sleek and sexy though the Apple iPad 2 undoubtedly is, as touch-screen tablet devices go it can’t hold a candle to the Bulldog 47 Polly. There’s simply no substitute for brass, rivets and British know-how!

Now I hear you asking “who are ParaDigm CyberResearch?” and “what in the Real World is a Polly?” but fear not, once you’ve entered the world of the Demi-Monde all will be revealed … eventually. You’ll have to trust me on this: there are still three books to go and I am a great believer in the art of script-tease.

In fact, the old adage that fact is stranger than fiction is borne out by the story of the creation of the Polly. The Bulldog 47 Polly you see above is the second iteration of the thing, being originally conceived three years ago for a book I’m still writing called ‘Invent Ten-N’. I briefed Nigel Robinson, who designs all my Demi-Monde stuff, as to what I thought it would look like and this is what he came up with.

Remember this is one whole year before the announcement of the original Apple iPad. Maybe Apple’s Steve Jobs reality distortion field is actually a window on the world of the Demi-Monde – or maybe not, I hear he's not too keen on windows. But I would have thought that reading a book before it's published is beyond even the miraculous talents of Steve Jobs. But the fact remains: ParaDigm’s Polly preceded the Apple iPad onto the market – well, a market - by a clear twelve months.

No matter. The reality is (and as all SF fans know reality is a very mutable thing) that despite the very generous insights offered by the Demi-Monde to ParaDigm’s would–be competitors, Pollys remain pre-eminent in the field of computational tablet devices. For instance, Pollys come in all shapes and sizes (in-ear devices, spectacle mounted displays, flexi-plexi screens etc.): it's a system rather than a device. And while iPad Apps are proprietary and will only work on Apple iPads (and Apple phones), meaning that they are only available to small percentage of the market, Pollys use any software made available on the Demi-Monde equivalent of the internet, the PollyNet. But then I suppose this isn’t to be wondered at: after all, ParaDigm CyberResearch is the PollyNet. Yes, the CEO of ParaDigm, Septimus Bole, has achieved what Steve Jobs hasn’t been able to: Bole has locked 100% of users in to one company. But then Bole is …

Enough of that!

I suppose my objective in bringing the ParaDigm announcement of its Bulldog 47 product launch to your attention a full three years before it is made is in the hope that if and when ParaDigm’s imitators bring out circular screens and anterior-positioned keys you’ll remember that you saw mention of the use of posterior-mounted split-Qwe/rty keyboard which enables eight-digit manipulation for speedier typing and of circular CRTs here first.

Yeah, and that a round Polly makes Steve Jobs new iPad 2 look positively square.

The Polly and its images were conceived by Rod Rees and designed by Nigel Robinson. © Rod Rees/Nigel Robinson

No comments:

Post a Comment